Story of Jp

Notice me

2011-04-22T07:18:00.001+08:00

Dude. You're letting the same routine haunt you. At the 1st sign of trouble you hide away, shun away. Why?

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Kill me now

2011-02-28T05:05:00.002+08:00

EXAMS. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I have this mentality that the exams are inevitable and therefore not really worrying about it much. Ironic ya? Not caring it's coming cause it is bound to arrive.

As usual, some last minute cramming followed by 2 hours of trying my luck.

Feeling very very very indifferent right now. Heavy heart, heavy mind.

If you have the choice of not knowing something bad or having a confirmation, which choice would you take? Ignorance or Assurance?

Wrong choice, kill me now.

Animals

2011-02-16T01:25:00.002+08:00

Here we go again.

Alright, no meat diet is over. Feelings? Not much really. Maybe it's because it only a short period of time.

What are you waiting for?

Exams are upon us! Here's to hoping we all do well and have a great, great final few weeks of schooling life, until university that is.

Take a bite of my heart tonight.

Not ready I guess. Sometimes I feel that I'm the problem as the situation seems familiar. Maybe I'm not clear enough, maybe I'm not fast enough, maybe I'm not aggressive enough, maybe I'm not ready. While you seem like my Cinderella as we seem to meet only every two months, the moments I would cherish. Until the clock strike twelve and the fantasy lifted.

Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Olixie

2011-02-01T02:53:00.002+08:00

Raining, rain rain go away.

The title of this post is the name of the girl in my dreams last night. Been haunting me the entire day.

Well CNY is approaching and also the end of my enforced 'seafood only' diet. Cant wait to try meat again. Almost forgotten what it taste like. 2 more weeks. Just 2 more weeks. I will get fat la.

3am and I'm going to head to bed now. Wishing for the same dream last night.

Karaoke is Japanese for 'empty orchestra'.

Lastly, please please please dont sell Torres.

Grenade

2011-01-18T04:12:00.002+08:00

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Alright, I've been neglecting this blog.

Happy birthday to you. sigh

phobias

2010-10-20T01:42:00.002+08:00

I have something to confess

Okay guys, schools started and all. Only problem, I don't know my timetable yet. Haven't looked yet. People in school all seem so new and unfamiliar. All new faces. Classes are starting up, this semester I'm going to try to do well. Try to attend classes and do tutorials.

Phobias. What a laugh.

Confidence.

2010-09-19T06:59:00.003+08:00

It will be easier to just die.

So I've been living life as it is. Not caring about problems, not bothering about troubles. The simple life.

There will always be an ache I can't get rid off. Always going to be something that I will always want and can't get. The greener grass on the other side of the fence.

For many things I want, many things I crave. I close my eyes and wonder 'what if' & 'how will it be' but it never happens.

I realized... confidence is key.

Silly girl. Do what you always tell me. If you like him, go for it. Live life with no fear and you will have no regrets. Close your eyes and take the plunge without fear cause if you fall, you know I'll be at the bottom of the cliff to cushion your fall.

That's just great

2010-08-30T15:06:00.002+08:00

6 months in. But nothing much has changed.

Dear God,
Why do you toy with me? Are you teaching me a lesson of making decisive decisions? Telling me to make the leap of faith?

For I don't understand you intentions. You allow me to let things build up in my head, but send doubts to attack the thoughts. Such Jekyll & Hyde.

Please tell me in which direction do I need to go from here.

Your boy,
Jonathan

So I heard that you're attached. Never thought I would hear that. That's just great. Perfect.

Never told you

2010-08-25T11:58:00.000+08:00

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around
It's like I'm alone with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told youI just held it in

And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

Patience

2010-08-13T09:44:00.002+08:00

For the simple things in life are the ones that matter most.

Life is like the breakwater of the beach.
Wave after wave, it slowly corrodes.

Life is like the Pyramid of Giza.
Stone after stone, it slowly climbs.

Life is like the longest novel ever.
Word after word, it's slowly written.

Have patience in life for it's a long one.

2010-08-11T14:41:00.002+08:00

Today I realise why my favourite colour is green.

Distraction

2010-07-21T22:51:00.002+08:00

Hey guys. I have a request. Please distract me.

Distract me from the current thoughts I have
Distract me from the obession

For I don't want to think anymore.

Don't we all wish we were living in a movie?
Where things are all in a 3rd person perspective?
Things will be so much clearer and every movie have a happy ending.

What I need is a certain formula. A guide book.
'Do this, say that. There, mission accomplish'

Things would be so easy.

Everywhere I look, I seem to see you name. And that scares me.

Heads? or Tails?

2010-06-15T23:34:00.002+08:00

Let's flip a coin.

I have this theory behind coin flips. We assign a choice to heads and a choice to tails, flip the coin and let it decide the outcome. I think we subconsciously/consciously know which choice we want before the coin flip and we're using the coin flip as an excuse to justify our choice.

'Fate decided for me'

I'm not saying coin flips are useless. But what it do is to let us see what we really want, instead of making our decisions for us. How many times we said '2 out of 3' when the flip isn't to our liking?

Heads or Tails?

p.s. - guys. you know you guys can count on me to be there when you need a drinking partner. or someone to talk to. for among everyone I know, you guys are one of my closest. cheers guys. drink to life, to friends.

Lalalalala

2010-06-14T01:05:00.002+08:00

So things are how they are.

After so much turbulence and so much rocky waves, we always arrive where we set off from.
For the cycle of life always has to be completed, for every death a birth.

So if it's all the same in the end, why do we even bother trying to make a difference in this vast, cruel world. How many of us will be able to make a lasting impression, a remaining memory? How many of us will just fade into nothingness, and die without anyone knowing?

Many say 'it's not the end that counts, it's the process'.

What's the point of enjoying the process? After all, what follows will bound to be death and dire. Ashes and dust.

p.s - Snow people! I'm sorry for kinda neglecting the story! Procrasination is my greatest weakness. I will try to focus back my attention on it!

Future

2010-06-01T13:28:00.002+08:00

This post is not about ranting.
This post is not about anger.
This post is not about sadness.
This post is not for the past.
This post is not for the present.
This post is for the future.

For after everything, there's always a future to look forward too. No matter what, there will be a future waiting for us. It's our most loyal companion, our most passionate lover and our best friend.

There's no way we can fight it. For with every counting second, the future comes and goes. So we just have to learn to live with it, and embrace it.

Today I prayed for my future.

Damned if you do

2010-05-31T09:25:00.002+08:00

What do you want from me?

For the whole week I've been wanting to post something, but always put it off last moment.

Some things/thoughts for the past week
-I really fucking hate mondays.
-Drinking alot for the week.
-Working alot too.
-Realised how bleak the future looks.
-Realised I have too much pride that stops me from doing things.
-I need a quote.
-For some reason, I feel you're ignoring me.
-For some reason, I miss you.
-Or do I really?
-~~Life~~

To: mojojojo!
I realised I haven't replied to your letter. Will reply by today k!

To: Agnes, Jared, Yiqi
Lets meet up for dinner again soon.

For so many things might be different if we had chosen different paths in our lives.
The current life we're having are products of our decisions.
Many a times, we wish we could go back and make a diffrent choice.
Who are we to say that the other choice might result in better lives?
Who are we to say it wont?
But given the choice, after much consideration,
Many of us wouldn't go back to change our lives.
For it's between the devil we know and the deep blue sea.

2010-05-29T03:34:00.002+08:00

I'm calling out for a voice of reason.

It's funny how things might seem then turned out to be different moments later. 'You never should try. Ever.'
For everyone says, fight for your happiness. But I don't do that. For it's pointless to be happy if you friends are down.

Scream and shout at the deep blue sea. I'm getting this urge to just sail/fly off and forgetting about the world. Giving up is always easier for help one.

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! No point anymore. I'm sorry girl

Baring it all

2010-05-24T02:54:00.002+08:00

Hanging by the moment

Sorry for my repeated rantings. But seriously, motherfucking fuck my fucking cb office work. I can't stand it. At all. I can hardly think of anything that is positive there. Arghhhh. It's the amount of bitching that stops me from doing what I want to do.

Take off day - 'Take off ar... Rest at home very shoik hor''
Dont stay back and help out in OTHER people's work - "Go home so early ar. Don't need help lor"
Order a alcoholic drink after work in Bintan - "Wah drink vodka ar"

Because of all these I had to work when I'm sick, cancel work at paulaners and be careful of what I eat while in Bintan after off duty.

It's really a effed up place to work in. Somehow I think I would be glad if I didnt get a placement for ITP.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nbcb. Rant over.

You know, I do think I miss you sometimes. But what's there to miss?

No more games.

2010-05-23T09:19:00.003+08:00

For you don't reciprocate.

They say you'll learn alot during ITP, well i guess that's true. I'm learning hotels, airlines, transfer but mostly importantly, the different faces of humans.

For all the bitching and fake laughter.
For all the hidden thoughts and intentions.
For all the red tape and paperwork.
I'm disgusted by it.

The truth is, this is the outside world. And I don't think I would survive at all. God damn it all.
I shudder at the thought of the cruel, cruel world.

:) This smile is for you.

No more.

2010-05-21T09:58:00.002+08:00

Currently

Status - Sick
Mood - Not happy

Bintan, the place view by many as an island retreat. I'm heading there today. Work purposes, not pleasure.

If anything, I wish I have the choice of not going. For the whole idea just doesnt excite me. It's mundane, it's boring, it's senseless.

But I do need a retreat. For things have not been going my way these past few days. Every demon residing is beginning to wake once again, and I'm doing senseless things again.

No more. I'm going away.

If I died, would anyone notice?

Inner Demons

2010-05-20T00:32:00.003+08:00

Do you know you're on my mind?

Simple mistakes that I'll always make.
I feel like I'm divided into two.
One shoulder houses the green eyed.
The other sees an angel in you.

For give us this day, our daily bread.
Strength is needed to carry on.
Fighting the hulk from within,
and all the burden it bourned.

Metaphors signfies so many.
To understand, read in between.
Care for not what is written,
but for what is unseen.

If you knew these words are for you,
I fear the impending reactions.
For there are many ways you might take,
acceptance and rejection.

Inner demons - Alan Wellest

2010-05-18T02:59:00.001+08:00

Some things are oh so simple.

For everyone keeps skeletons in their closets. It's just who we choose to share our skeletons with.
A wise man once said "ignorance is bliss". And a fool once claimed "truth is happiness".

If this life have specific instructions. A set of guidelines maybe. We might have an easier time. For it's all the guessing and interacting where we get our thoughts, hopes and doubts from. Sometimes it's easier to not talk. It's easier but much less appealing.

Seeing other's playing the game of love, i often feel indifferent inside. Some part of me wishes them happiness, while deep inside I doubt they would last. For I guess I've lost faith in the whole notion of love. I understand friendships, I appreciate affectionate, I know crushes. But love is something that is foreign, almost alien, to me. What's wrong?

A thousand times I can think about you, all I want is for you to think about me once.

This is a story of a girl.

2010-05-13T02:27:00.002+08:00

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world.

Going to choing this few months through. Which means no going out and having no life at all. Suits me fine. I don't need a life.

Please tell me what I want to hear.
For things would be easier.
I wish I knew what you're thinking.

You'll never know.

2010-05-12T01:07:00.002+08:00

Lets see.

Things don't really matter much if we don't put too much thought into it.
Things that do matter, concerns us.

If we don't try it, we'll never know the outcome.
Or we can stay in denial forever.

The lion in the wizard of oz got it correct.
Courage is what is lacking.

And will you be my wizard of oz?
And grant me my wishes aplenty.

Many a times, I tell myself,
Not to make the same mistakes.

Many a times, I tell myself,
It's not the same mistake.

Simple things that life give us,
Somehow become complicated.

And simple words that were conversed,
Somehow became mistaken.

Many thoughts travel my mind.
These are only some of them.

There are some which are hidden.
Those that you'll never know.

Goodnight world.

ps - I now understand I need to treat things superficial. Not read too much into things and not go in with a ulterior motive. I need to enjoy what is now and not look forward into the future. For the future is always cruel in oh so many ways.

Dr J

2010-05-11T01:40:00.003+08:00

Scream and shout.

I am beginning to feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One moment I'll feeling one way, the other moment I'm not. And this time round, it's not because of my itp.

For it's confusing as it is exciting.
Troubling as it is relieving.
Shockingly beautiful.
And hauntingly frightful.

And truth be told, I think my worse habit will come out again. I'm beginning to feel it's coming a full circle, feel like I'm at the top of the coaster already and the next part is all going down.

Oh, look at the date today. Bloody hell.

So much angst

2010-05-09T03:40:00.003+08:00

I should be sleeping.

We grew up listening to, reading, and watching stories about following your dreams, and be true to yourself. When faced with a decision to make, how many of us can really make the decision to give up in this fucking rat race society we have and follow their dream.

When we were young, we wanted to be firemen, astronauts, scientists and secret agents. As we get older, those dreams slowly fade away and in their place come accountants, clerks, salesmen and cleaners. How many of us really do achieve our childhood dream?

I'm a believer. I believe in making the right choice, not just the safe choice. So fuck my itp, fuck my diploma, it's the wrong choice.

I just need someone, ~~you~~, by my side to give my courage to go through with my decision. Cause I'm afraid. Very afraid.

I should be sleeping but I want to scream.

ps - Suddenly I realise things arent that straightfoward at all. Not that simple afterall. How now fucking brown cow?

the world's most confident man

2010-05-07T01:46:00.002+08:00

For the world's most confident man, his weakness is himself.

I think I found out the reason why I hate my job now. All the red tape bullshit, paperwork and having a moron for a manager. Just got to endure through this 4 plus months more. I hope I can.

Over a glass of whiskey coke, I realised I have alot more to think about. It's amazing how some simple things, like a string of words, can become the motivation for me this week. But now it doesn't seem that straight forward anymore. Or so I think.

For the world's most confident man, his weakness is himself.
For all the self arrogance, he can't see himself.
For so strong a belief, he lies to himself.
And for love, he'll hate himself.

one 21 guns

2010-05-04T01:45:00.003+08:00

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

Cause I dont anymore.

Girl. Do you know you are really beautiful? Always stay as cheerful as the girl I once knew. Smile.

Hmmmm

2010-05-03T03:55:00.003+08:00

Stand back and watch the world revolve.
For it seems that I'm uninvolved.
To feel so meaningless in the on-goings.
To feel so helpless in your sufferings.

Some thoughts that will bother me if I keep thinking about it.

No more, no how.

2010-04-27T12:15:00.002+08:00

I'm hungry

Alright, Intership has began and I'm working two jobs now (Kinda). It will be hectic and tiring but i think i can pull through.

I haven't been updating this recenlty as I have nothing to update about. But I think it's time to renew this page.

Minsi, mojojo and malimah (all ms!) are in finland right now. Used to be if there's something to talk to them about, i can just pick up the phone and call them. Hmm, i wonder how much will it cost to call overseas to finland.

Two questions plagued my mind recently. Why do I work so much? and what's my motivation in life?

I thought about this for quite a while...Actually I think I do know the answers to them for a long time already. Everything I'm doing now would be to accomplish my goal. What's my goal you ask?

Alright lunch time. Bye people.

Y/N

2010-03-05T06:07:00.002+08:00

Lets spend a day like there's no tomorrow.

What's left to say. I've been placed at Anglo-French for my internship. Can't say I super happy about it though. But beggars can't be choosers I guess.

I realised today that I want to work. Spending time not working was quite meaningless.

Crazy chalet's coming up. Don't really know do I have to time to see you guys off to Finland.

Speaking of Finland, you girls take care of yourselves alright? 6 months in a foreign and unfamiliar country, it will be hard but so fulfilling. Remember to ask for my bicycle when you see Santa.

~~Persistence~~

Naturally

2010-03-02T07:02:00.002+08:00

Lets catch up shall we?

Firstly, I received news that I failed all my interviews for ITP. This would mean I would have to go for a second round of interviews. If I fail that too, I would have to repeat the entire semester.

Somehow, it doesn't really bother me.

Been spending my time nocturnally. Sleeping from 7/8am to 4pm followed work. Seems natural to me.

And I'm drinking alot of mango juice recently.

I feel like I have alot of pent up anger inside of me. Every passing day is filled with frustration and the lack of motivation. I have nothing to aim for, nothing to do. I keep thinking of what could have been. Can't help but to think that I made a few wrong steps in the past.

~~You~~ were my mistake
~~You~~ were my risk
~~You~~ were my poison

Whoa

2010-02-21T03:44:00.001+08:00

Dear Jp Jonathan, below are your Personality Tests result:
Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Your view on yourself:
:Other people find you very interesting
:But you are really hiding your true self
:Your friends love you because you are a good listener
:They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
:You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for
:Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with
:The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exte
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
:And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that pe
The seriousness of your love:
:You are very serious about relationships
:Aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like
:If you meet the right person
:You will fall deeply
:Beautifully in love
Your views on education:
:You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas
:You listen to your own instincts
:Tend to follow your heart
:So you will probably end up with an unusual job
The right job for you:
:You're a practical person
:Will choose a secure job with a steady income
:Knowing what you like to do is important
:Find a regular job doing just that
:You'll be set for life
How do you view success:
:You are afraid of failure
:Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you d
:Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous
What are you most afraid of:
:You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble
:You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself
:Independence is important to you

Blueprinted.

2010-02-09T03:09:00.002+08:00

This will seem so dejavu

For everything that matters, it all don't matter anymore.

The reason behind the quote above is that, I lost my source of motivation. Or rather I have never found it at all. Been long since I am truly, and i mean truly, passionate about something.

Whats the whole point? Really.

Is it normal for me to feel that life is like a blueprint? Everything seems to be planned out and scheduled. All so cramped and frustrating.

No more excitement, no more feel.

And dear friend, you will be happy. I'll make sure of it.

Poisoned

2010-01-28T02:13:00.002+08:00

I'm sick. Poisoned.

Both physically and mentally.

Going to sleep now. In the living room again.

Do you know that I'm trying to forget you. For I know you will be poison to me. Sweet sweet poison.

Analytical.

2010-01-25T04:36:00.003+08:00

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
For we are two different species, trying to mingle and get along.

It's funny how things seemed to have cycled a full circle. I feel like I've experienced all of this before, a few months back.

The same cast, the same story, the same ending.

If you sit back and notice the world, you might just see the deeper meaning behind all the words, the actions and the acting. To be analytical never hurt anyone, yet.

For if you had any idea on what impact you had and might have on me, you might just realize how important you ~~might mean~~ ~~mean~~ meant to me.

I'm not being sad. I'm just being analytical.

Addict

2010-01-22T06:48:00.005+08:00

An addict constantly does the things which he knows aren't good for him. But he can't help it. He's addicted.

So my days are lacking sleep once again. Filled up with projects, work and my non-willingness to sleep. I do think I'm dying soon. And I hope I do.

I've been feeling awfully messed up again recently.

And can someone turn off the bloody siren from the car downstairs. It's driving me crazy, rang for 30 minutes non stop and it's 6am in the morning. Maybe it's in my head.

And then there's you. I think I'm starting to get addicted to you.

What?

2010-01-18T03:11:00.002+08:00

It all don't matter anymore.

For the feeling of dejection
and depression,
is overwhelming me.

I just don't see the point anymore.

No more ideas, no more inspiration.
No more life in me.

What to do?

Btw, happy birthday shortie

Shhh

2010-01-10T02:55:00.002+08:00

For all that matters...everything might not matter in the end.

Been thinking too much again. Going to get my white hairs back.

Just keep quiet and everything will be fine.

For a face of an angel, now I'll lay.

2009-12-20T16:01:00.003+08:00

For a girl so beautiful, it takes my breath away.
For a touch so tender, it brightens up my day.
For a voice so sweet, my demons it will slay.
For a face of an angel, now I'll lay.

To relive the past, to dream again.
To remember all the happiness and pain.
To suffer, to embrace.
For a face of an angel, now I'll lay.

Expressway

2009-12-18T02:52:00.003+08:00

Things you do.

Alright. Are you going to do what I think you're doing? It's so simple but yet so difficult at the same time.

You tell me you are thinking. I am thinking too. I've been thinking constantly and heavily. If only everything is so simple. It's one roller-coaster ride after another in the story of jp.

Silly girl, try and sleep ok? Don't be a zombie.

Life can be a simple empty dirt road
or an expressway.

AHH

2009-12-15T23:13:00.002+08:00

I want to scream.

For everything is all a mess in my head now. The muddle you made. Scream.
For all the things I regret. Scream.
For every single wrong move I took. Scream.
And for all that is wrong right now. Scream.

If everything in this world is that simple. Yea you wish

How come?

2009-12-14T01:55:00.000+08:00

Why?
How?
What?
Where?
When?
Who?

Fuck

Lucky

2009-12-13T16:18:00.002+08:00

If there's nothing missing in her life
Why do tears come at night? - Lucky Britney Spears.

Sometimes we come across situations that require us to make a choice. We hesitate and weigh out the pros and cons. Then we take the plunge.

You will fail many times trying to succeed.

Going to be busy with work soon. Full shifts all day. Fun.

Wish me luck.

Vexed

2009-12-12T17:14:00.002+08:00

Woke up on the wrong side of bed today.

Isn't it funny how our actions can determine how others will feel the whole day, but we will have no idea at all. Sometimes we tend to just take things in stride while forgetting there are other people out there.

I'm easily irritated now. And silently quite angry. Reason? No idea.

Maybe it's because I have all this free time after such a busy period. Maybe it's because I'm falling sick.

Maybe it's because of you.

Loop

2009-12-12T03:14:00.003+08:00

The whole things on repeat.

Haven't you been through all this before? They say practice makes perfect but does it really. How many times will you get another chance?

I'll say this once. Don't fuck this up. Really. Bring your A game. Focus. and stay awake.

Or go to sleep. Forever.

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-08T22:50:00.002+08:00

F

2009-12-01T04:01:00.002+08:00

How hard is it to want just one thing?

How can you miss what you never have?

I'm trying to convince myself nothing's wrong. Trying to bluff my heart. But avoiding just doesn't help anymore. Smile?

Taking applications now. F it.

a movie

2009-11-24T02:24:00.002+08:00

How sad is it that I have to filter what I put up here?

I'm watching a romance-comedy. The leads on the show are going through a certain cycle. They fall in love, problem arises, they break up. They fall in love again etc. It's all so predictable. It's a sad movie at times, but when it is at its happy moments, it seems the world can do no wrong.

But I'm just watching the movie though.

Miracles.

2009-11-21T19:59:00.002+08:00

Miracles.

Time to get my life back on track. It has been put on hold for so so long.

We all wish of living the simple life, with simple miracles.

Thoughts

2009-11-11T21:50:00.002+08:00

Sitting and thinking.

You know what you want. You know what you have to do. So just go do it. What are you hesitating for?

Times I want to scream but I can't. Then I realized I don't want to anymore.

Old man

2009-11-11T00:09:00.002+08:00

Hey..

Old man, you got to learn to practice what you preach. It's easy to see and give advice from a third party's view, but it's hard from where you are now.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Reset the heart old man.

Wishes.

2009-11-10T01:50:00.003+08:00

Wishes

Back when we were young, whenever we walked past a fountain, we would beg for a coin to throw in it. Whenever before we blow out the candle, we will close our eyes. Whenever we see a star, we will make a wish.

When we were all young and innocent, we believed in wishes. We wish to live in a huge mansion in the future, we wish to be a policeman/doctor/scientist/others, and we wish for happiness.

But as we grow older, we lost hope, lost faith in our wishes. We stopped wasting coins on fountains, stopped looking out for stars, and almost always never make a wish before blowing out the candles (until someone reminds us that is).

We saw the real world, the real life. We know that wishes are useless, only by doing then can we achieve something. So we stopped wishing.

Almost all of us have wishes. However, these wishes are not like the ones we had when we were young. These wishes serve only to remind us of what we do not have. In a sense, instead of making us happy, hopeful, these wishes only put us down.

We can hope, but they never come true.

I will get a sense of happiness when I see other couples. But it's only for a moment.

ELMO

2009-11-08T23:10:00.004+08:00

Lost faith

2009-11-08T14:19:00.002+08:00

Everyone has their own love story. Their reasons.

After spending last night talking and thinking, I realised I lost faith. In everything. For me, I'm just living day by day as it is right now. I see other people playing the game, but I know that it's all pointless.

What's wrong?

I wish to feel the drunk feeling again. It's easier to just let loose everything.

Lemon slices.

2009-11-06T02:38:00.003+08:00

Things to do. Words to say.

Well, I've been skipping school recently. And not really caring much about school work. Old habits. Been working for the past 3 days so far. And later my day will be from 8 to 12. Wish me luck.

For some reason, I'm drinking everything with a slice of lemon now.

Things are..not great right now. It's not terrible but it's not great.

Happy Halloween.

2009-10-31T20:32:00.001+08:00

Lets read a scary/creepy story.

I stared across the table at my best friend of 12 years, Curtis. We had just finished a delicious meal prepared by Curtis' personal chef. The after dinner conversation was boring, but then we started talking about some kid neither of us liked in high school.
"Remember Davis? From high school?" He asked.
"Yeah, yeah, wasn't he that really annoying kid that noone really liked?"
"The one and the same. Remember that time when he singlehandedly fought the twelfth grade in the snowball fight?"
"Oh yeah. Jesus I hated that kid."
"But wasn't he tasty?

Happy Halloween people.

Restart

2009-10-31T02:12:00.002+08:00

Restart from the start.

Alright. I've decided to just wipe my mind, my heart and me out and start again. Erase all the goals, dreams and wishful thinking I have/had.

Next target, turn 18.

After that, who knows.

And once again, I'm giving up before even trying. It's better for everyone this way. Better if you don't know anything. If you need someone to cheer you up, I'll be here. But to you, I'm just a friend.

Wee

2009-10-29T01:46:00.004+08:00

In all emoness, there's still a retard in me.

Makes no sense.

2009-10-28T16:59:00.002+08:00

Walking through a casino.

I'm scared to play.
I'm scared to go for it.
I'm scared to lose.

People tell me.
Without playing, you'll never win.
I tell her, to fight.

How is it?
How is it that you're in my head?
It makes no sense.

A person of math and logic knows that the odds are stacked against him on the table.
And chooses to avoid playing.
A person of hope and chance knows that the odds are stacked against him on the table.
And chooses to play, hoping to win.

Am I being conservative?
Am I being pessimistic?

Stiffen that upper lip.

2009-10-27T23:10:00.002+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If only I can scream out now.

嗟

2009-10-24T23:04:00.002+08:00

人生为何那么复杂

不知道我在做什么
不知道我在想什么

你知道我好像喜欢上你

我好怕
我怕我又是在胡思乱想
我怕我又在做错事

你懂你一直在我脑海里吗?

Sitting here with my mind pounding over and over again.
What are you doing to me?

Gah

2009-10-24T03:54:00.002+08:00

All the words that needs to be said,
all the thoughts that needs to be thought,
are all done.

Nothing left to do,
except wonder,
what are you doing to me?

Late.

2009-10-22T02:17:00.002+08:00

Late.

That's what I always seem to be. Always one step too late.

Wake me up tomorrow.
I wish I can give you a sunflower.

Blind

2009-10-21T17:03:00.002+08:00

Blind.

A blind man walks constantly in fear. The fear of getting lost. The fear of hitting something. The stick he uses helps a bit in navigation.

Give me a stick.

Song

2009-10-18T03:11:00.001+08:00

我爱的人不是我的爱人
她心里每一寸都属於另一个人
她真幸福幸福得真残忍
让我又爱又恨她的爱怎麽那麽深

我爱的人她已有了爱人
从他们的眼神说明了我不可能
每当听见她或他说「我们」
就像听见爱情永恒的嘲笑声

Someone download this for me please! Wo ai de ren by Jordan Chan

Yea

2009-10-18T01:02:00.003+08:00

You can fake a smile with your lips.
But you can't fake one with your eyes.

I'm smiling...because I have to.

MLIA

2009-10-17T03:25:00.003+08:00

Today, while playing 20 Question, I had a girl's name in mind. Then I realised that I know very little about her. I think I'm falling for a stranger. MLIA

My days are spent wastefully stoning away at the computer. Need to read just my body clock back to school mode. Not really looking forward to school though.

Found out today that the shipment for my iTouch got delayed! I'm sort of regretting not buying it straight from a apple store, but fell for the laser engraving you can get from the online store.

Going gym/swim later.
Sometimes it's just your wishful thinking.

New Old Me

2009-10-15T01:24:00.004+08:00

The new me.

I have purple/red hair now.
I just gotten a debit card.
I ordered a iTouch.

In many aspects, I can feel myself changing, evolving. I'm beginning to like time spent alone alot more compared to the past. And I'm not rushing as much as I did before.

Right now, I'm not really feeling anything anymore. I have this sense of suspended mindset. This numbing feeling.

I'm beginning to think I exist to play that role. That same old freaking role.

The new me. Not so much different.
You're making the same mistakes again.

Table for one.

2009-10-02T01:28:00.002+08:00

"Table for one"

That was what I said at the entrance of thai express today.

Spent the entire day by myself, a first time for me. And I can say I enjoyed it.

Started the day as I always do. Sleep in till 3pm. Found myself on the MRT a while later on my way down to cityhall. Why cityhall? Why not.

Visited the people at canele and I got a free macaron. But I have to say caramel flavour isnt nice at all.

Bought two books today, both dan brown. The lost symbol and Da vinci code. I read da vinci code before but I lost my copy of the book. Sucks. And I just finished reading The lost symbol.

I was sitting at Suntec Starbucks with a espresso frapp and a chocolate cake, speed reading The lost symbol. Had my dinner at thai express due to a sudden craving for curry. No idea why.

The potatoes in my curry were undercooked and the curry werent that great anyway. Quite a disappointment for me.

In all, 'Alone' time was great. I took time of everything and just spent my time, worriless and carefree, reading. The silence really helped mediate.

And I finally get to say the phrase I wanted to say. Table for one.

Tilt

2009-09-29T00:58:00.002+08:00

Being on tilt in poker means letting you emotions get to you.

Playing poker is very like playing the game of life. You don't know what's coming next, you don't know what the other players have, and half the time you don't know what you should do. One wrong move might just end your game.

I play to win. But every game has to have a loser.

Sorry babe, I fold.

Wishlist

2009-09-28T04:14:00.002+08:00

Hey world.

Been neglecting my blog recently. But I'm back! Recently got hooked on to poker again, and playing online poker once more while watching the WSOP on youtube.

By the way, WSOP stands for world series of poker.

One of my aims is to play in the WSOP main event one day.

Here's my (long term) wishlist

Play in the WSOP
Open a restuarant
Backpack europe
Direct (& write) a musical

Just something to aim for in life.

And also regrading my story Choices, I'm putting it on hold first. Too hooked on poker now.

Oh ya, goodnight world.

Choices - Chapter 1

2009-09-08T02:47:00.007+08:00

Note - I'm going to try to write a story. I will post up chapter by chapter as I get the time and inspiration.

Choices - Chapter 1
I remember the day where I saw the old man. It was just a gloomy Saturday morning, rain clouds were hanging ready to burst at any time. Waking up to this weather could dampen the gayest of all spirits. I lay awake in bed as I count the ticks of my grandfather clock hanging on the wall above me.

I knew I have to get out of bed soon as I had an errand to run. My mother had tasked me with the duty of delivering a gift to the Ackerley's new born daughter. Mr. Ackerley was the head of police in our little town of Brighton and it will do us no harm to get on his good side. It was rumored that whoever that crosses the path of Mr. Ackerley will never see daylight ever again in his life.

The grandfather clock stuck a total of nine times as I walked down to the sight of my mother having her breakfast.

"Good morning Mother," I greeted. "Where is the parcel I am delivering to the Ackerleys?"

Without looking up from her plate, she pointed to the chair beside her. My eyes made their way along her arm and lay rest on a box with a ribbon. Picking it up, I started my journey to the other side of town where the Ackerleys stayed.

"Good bye Mother." Looking back at her once more, she still has her mouth full with eggs and bacon. I walked out the door feeling a little disappointed, my mother had always paid more attention to food then to me. Just as the door was closing, she replied.

"It's not a good morning, it's a terrible morning"

End of chapter 1. This is the first time I'm writing in a narrative format as compared to a 3rd person point of view. So I'm a little shaky on how should I progress from here.

I should sleep soon. Have to wake up early tml. Sucks.

Newton's thrid law

2009-09-05T03:45:00.002+08:00

''To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction"

I read on a forum that the opposite of love isn't hate, but fear.

I fear for us.
I fear that by acting on my thoughts, our lives might be messed up.
I fear we have gotten too close.
I fear that by not acting on it, I'll regret.
I fear I've screwed up. Sorry

This old man is scared.

Coins

2009-08-30T23:37:00.002+08:00

If it's only as simple as flipping a coin.

Heads or tails?

What should I do? Where am I now?
So messed up in my thoughts right now.
Someone give my a coin.

So tell me what should I do?
Your cards say make a decision.
Mine says hope.

Yes or no?

Wake up

2009-08-29T03:08:00.003+08:00

Hey world,

Work tomorrow at 12 and I'm still up. Watching one of my favourite movies, American Pie.

Hearing about other people's love stories is great, and I wonder when can I write one of my own.

Wake the old man up tomorrow. Sweet dreams.

Somethings wrong

2009-08-27T04:11:00.002+08:00

Hey world.

I'm tired, but can't sleep. So addicted to minesweeper. And tabasco. Just bought a bottle today. Eating it with everything nowadays.

Silence. And distance.

Goodnight world. This old man needs to sleep.

Karma

2009-08-25T22:33:00.002+08:00

Hello mocking world.

Well, FMAH is over so I'm left with just blaw. Didn't think I did too bad for my FMAH exam, at least I sat through the entire thing. Felt quite stoned after the paper, plus had a huge headache. Don't know why. Still quite tired now, so maybe tonight I will sleep early.

Same old story. Still paying off my bad karma.

This old man needs to sleep, and never wake up.

寂寞開在心事旁
隨手種一些傷感
不讓星星來窺探
找個沉默的夜晚

找個沉默的夜晚
不讓星星來窺探
隨手種一些傷感
寂寞開在心事旁

我的關懷方式是你無法察覺的悲涼
只能在你不經意時才鎖上我心房
你往常的親切友善是我今生的遺憾
受傷後無悔的埋在不流露的臉上

Drunk

2009-08-19T23:10:00.002+08:00

“A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts”

Being drunk might be the easiest thing in the world.
Being truly carefree and open.
Being yourself.

Why must we hide behind masks?
Don't we ever get tired?
I know I am.

Canele

2009-08-16T01:44:00.003+08:00

Hello world.

So I've been working at Canele recently. Nice place to work at. Not to stressed, friendly people and I get to eat the cakes! They make damn nice cakes I got to say. Planning to buy some Macarons soon.

What are you doing to me? Sometimes your actions make me think 'hey, maybe' then you go and do other stuffs that crashes me back to earth. Am I'm not obvious enough? Wth are you doing to me?

Work tml at 6pm. Need to finish my Ihro soon though. Peace.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2009-08-08T00:44:00.002+08:00

Hey world.

Projects are rushing head on fast and furious. But the good thing is school is ending soon. So relax time coming up.

Riding on the coaster again. Wee. Wanted to type something but decided against it.

Rants and headache.

Distant.

2009-07-31T02:23:00.002+08:00

Hey world,

Two test tomorrow. Opera and Fmah. Wish me luck ok? Stupid Ihro had to reschedule, now I have to go to school an hour earlier. Which means I should really be sleeping soon. Suddenly craving Indian food again! So someone ask me out to have some.

Ok. I get your point. So I'm not going to push it anymore. Basically, I will be acting the way I'm acting recently. All cold and distant around you. Need time to readjust back to the way we are.

Close your eyes and go to sleep old man. Rest up. Tomorrow will be better.

Aiya

2009-07-29T00:08:00.002+08:00

Just to get this off my mind.

What am I? Who am I? My mind is playing badminton once again, on a damn roller coaster again. Agnes says follow your heart. What happens then? I dont know anymore. Fuck it.

Change

2009-07-28T00:46:00.002+08:00

Hey world.

Today was a refreshing change. My plan worked out quite nicely. Dinner followed by a movie. The dinner was nice and not too expensive, the movie (harry potter) was just terrible. Waste of a 154 minutes.

It's hard to know what are you thinking. I think my actions are obvious enough for you to know what I'm thinking. You say look for the green light, well I'm trying my best to look for it. I am using a hundred and ten percent effort but right now, it seems like it's useless. Seems like a lost cause.

What should I do? Maybe you tell me. Time check - 1am. Night world.

Guess

2009-07-18T04:36:00.003+08:00

Hey you.

Can you just tell me what to do? I don't like this guessing game at all. At times, I wonder what goes through your mind when you look at me. Things that I do, you know my intention. But actions that you make causes me to be puzzled. Everything seems the same.

I am tired! Time to sleep I guess. Eyes closing as I type this. No plans over the weekend! So ask me out!

Rock, paper, scissors. Guessing Games. Time check 4:45am. Goodnight you.

But

2009-07-14T02:27:00.003+08:00

Hello world.

What am I thinking off right now? I'm trying to decipher your mind and understand you better. I always say I fully understand where I stand and what I should do,but now I don't anymore. Ah! I can do everything but still wont see the green light. Show me the green light.

The fear of rejection is a very strong excuse to use. How many of us just seize the day? Do, don't think. I need to follow that motto.

Praying for everything to go right. Work tomorrow. Bored

This is a story of a boy and a girl.
Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl.
Girl laughs and Boy loves her.
But, just but.

Signals

2009-07-13T02:04:00.002+08:00

Hey world.

So it has been a hectic week for me. One word - Oenotheque. I have been pushing all my duties away, putting it aside for the time being. I know there will be a tidal wave of stuff waiting for me soon, so brace myself.

Hair is getting long, going to cut it soon. Been skipping dinner so becoming thinner too. Ahh changes.

High hopes, and doubts. Sweet dreams.

2009-07-09T02:37:00.002+08:00

Hey world.

So I've been working my ass off this couple of days. It's tiring but fun at the same time. If you can afford some expensive food, come down to oenotheque to find me. Just don't order any drinks, drinks are damn expensive. One glass of Jack Daniels cost a nice amount of 15 dollars before taxes. Even I was stunned when I sent the bill to customer.

Been skipping dinner every night, and as I type this my stomach is growling for some food. Will need to stock up some bread or something at home soon.

When I skipped school today, didn't think i would see you. Time check 2:45am. Goodnight world.

Calm down and count to ten.

2009-07-06T00:40:00.003+08:00

Hey.

Bright side - Got a job! So I wont be spending time stoning at home anymore. It will be a new challenge working part time and no more assignment based.

Dark side - Facing a huge mountain right now. Do not know if I have the will power to conquer it. Take it one step at a time I guess.

Heh. Sometimes I do wish I can find someone who gets me. I hate not being the first priority. Fuck this.

AHHHH. Ten.

Yea.

2009-07-03T20:18:00.002+08:00

Fuck this.

Told you, your plan never ever works. You should just stop trying. You hope and you hope and what happens? All your hopes come crashing down. The more you hope for, the more you crash. What's the point? Why even bother in the first place?

Inner demons plaguing my mind.

I'm hungry.

Done deal.

2009-06-22T21:00:00.002+08:00

Emo rant coming up.

I'm going to write all the stuff down here cause I tend to be more expressive through my blog. Well, these past days, past weeks of see-sawing back and forth finally came to an end. Finally fell of the see-saw. Can't say I'm surprised. I sort of already sensed it from you and was hoping to make the choice much much later compared to now.

How this reminds me of the scene two years ago, it's freaky. Then I made the decision to follow my heart. Now I listen to reason.

There's no way it would have worked out. It's just to messy for both of us. Mainly you though. I'm just angry and mad this hasn't happened a year ago. Bad timing huh? Truth is, you wouldn't be happy with me anyway. I'm too protective, too obsessive and think too much. I mean I could even get angry at the thought that the sony guy asked you out really spoke to me. I'm definitely not ready to be in a relationship.

Well they say you can't lose what you never had. I didn't place any bets, take any risks so I shouldn't feel the pain right? Hope thats true.

Nice guy

2009-06-22T05:12:00.002+08:00

A post before I shut my eyes on this world.

The nice guy in me doesn't allow me to walk away. Whenever I see you sad, I will have the tendency to do things that make you happy. But I grow tired everyday. I tell myself. Walk away. Treat it as if you will treat everyone but I can't. No idea why.

Goodnight world. And what happens if he ask you to get back together? What happens to me then?

Okay

2009-06-20T22:27:00.003+08:00

And so you want to know what's on my mind?

I'm always ok.

Dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui?

Peom

2009-06-20T00:56:00.002+08:00

Can someone advise me please
Things people do with ease
Why is mine so difficult
Everything's complicated

Sometimes I wonder why
Why do I even try
To make things go my way
To hear the things you say

To see the emotions you go through
To see you feeling so blue
It hurts me deep inside
So I try to be by your side

What can I really do
when I'm not the one for you
I can try to help you through
But I will always be number two

And number two I hate to be
Probably even number three
It's always the same for me
Maybe it's destiny

At times I really don't know why I'm always stuck with this job. This tedious job of being the 'rebound' guy. Tired out from all the emotional crap. So mentally worn out. What should I do?

Picture and apple trees

2009-06-17T00:24:00.004+08:00

Take a picture of me today, before the smile goes away.
Take a picture of me again, before it starts to rain.
Take a picture of me once more, what are you waiting for?
Take a picture of me right now, before I start feeling down.

Take a video of me today, record the things I say.
Take a video of me again, while I'm still sane.
Take a video of me once more, what are you waiting for?
Take a video of me right now, while I'm still around.

Did I do the right thing? Made the right move? Played the right cards? Now I'm feeling struck out and down on my luck. Feeling all messed up and confused.

The old man found the apple tree he was. The problem is it has no more apples. What shall he do? Do he wait for the apples to grow or continue his search for his apple tree?

Lary had a mittle lamb.

2009-06-10T02:57:00.002+08:00

Hello kind world.

Well I've been neglecting my blog. So now I'm back to write about my life. I went on a 3 week hiatus away from my laptop and that time was surprisingly relaxing. But now my laptop is repaired, I'm back to facing this soul sucking machine once again.

Going to get my hair cut tomorrow. Just cant stand my hair anymore. Too damn thick. And also, thurs - sun I'll be working PCshow 2009. So pop down and look for me.

Who wants to play a game of 'simon says' with me?
Too messy? Once again, I'm faced with this choice. Do I do the right thing, or the thing I want to do? Will I just end up hurting everyone again?

2009-05-17T20:13:00.002+08:00

Batam!

Yeah, heading off to batam tomorrow morning. Will only be back next week. One week from everything, one week to escape the real world.

I have yet to pack. And I should really start. Hate that feeling that I will forget something. It's always that feeling when I travel.

Those who cant, teach.

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do

It's eating me alive, this feeling.

Rain

2009-05-09T05:00:00.001+08:00

Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity

Seul

2009-05-09T04:47:00.002+08:00

A wise man once said Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Guess what? I'm playing runescape once again. Lame game right? But I really have nothing to do at home. Oh ya, I got a new LG phone and it's pink in colour lol. Yea I know, gay rigt.

And it's raining heavily again. This the perfect weather to sleep. Which is something i need to do soon. Eyes closing. I had a sweet dream last night, hope i have it again.

And the old man is still looking for his apple tree. I hate this part. Seul..

You shi ni.

2009-04-24T02:37:00.002+08:00

Hey, how was your day?

So I skipped another day of school. No motivation to start studying anyways. According to my classmates, our teachers are kinda strict on attendance. So I'm screwed.

I'm just blogging for blogging sake. Nothing much happening in my life at the moment. Just taking it a step at a time.

How is it that every time I'm feeling down, you message me. And those messages always seem to put a smile on my face. Don't worry, I wont drown again.